Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending

Feeling helpless

Something I wanted to expressed but couldn't

Adopted from my brother's blog :

2 April 2011

I was tired, really tired. I stood by his side all along, but things didn’t get much better. I would never ever expect him to leave us so soon, forever. Should I or should I not. B.I.T graduation night was what I’ve been anticipating for weeks, and was one thing I can escape from that cruel reality. If anyone is going to ask me if I regretted going, yes I regretted. There’s no way I can forgive myself for not staying by his side through the last lap of his journey.

Graduation Night ended with a blast, at least everything went smoothly and well, in fact it got me so happy for a moment that I didn’t realised there was a dying patient in need of my utmost care and accompaniment. We went for desserts after the night, should I kill myself?

Took a taxi back to SGH and something strucked me hard in the head. Maybe I was feeling lethargic, but nervousness took over my body and something tells me I need to rush back as soon as possible.

3 April 2011

It was around 1.30 a.m. I reached the hospital. My heavy heart and wear-out body, I feel like I’m breaking down. I opened the door, to see dad on his bed with difficulties breathing. Everyone else were crying. I walked in slowly. “What happened?” was the first thing I asked. No one replied. Though he had been in this condition for quite awhile, everyone felt that today was rather abnormal. It seems as though I’ve used up my tears, I can’t cry anymore. The one thing that keep going in my mind was, “Why is he suffering so much? I wish I was the one suffering instead! Begging everything that creates miracle to help father!”.

Mum: 爸, 丰声来了

Father turned around, looked me in the eyes and seems like he knows I’m here. He nodded, with spasms from his breathing problem.

It’s because we’re so close, we always knew what each other was thinking. I know he had many things to say to me, but he can’t speak properly, not with his lungs that can’t even function well anymore.

For an hour or so, it’s as though we all know he’s leaving soon, which I’m still not taking it down. The whole family grabbed his hand bidding him farewell, telling him we will stay strong and most importantly is that we kept telling him everything’s going to be fine. It was around 2-3 that he was clearly not conscious anymore. He just kept making sounds and fidgeting.

It was after a long struggle that each of us decided to take a rest. My mum was already at her limits, after not sleeping for days, she needs to shut her eyes for a minute. My two sisters and I went out and took a quick nap. We all thought daddy should be fine because he’s been figeting for days while sleeping.

The nap was kinda good, I don’t know why, I knew I slept. I sensed someone touching me, it was my mum. She asked all of us to go back into the ward. I thought it was some emergency, again. This time round, my heart beat so fast, it’s going to jump out at any moment. We went in quietly.

Mum: He has passed away.

My mind went completely blank. He’s still breathing, but so weak it’s like the rhythm’s going stop anytime. We all knew, it’s useless to call the doctor. Then, everyone started crying. I couldn’t cry for a second. I just didn’t want to accept this fact, nothing (feelings or emotions) I can make out within that airspace of time. It’s like the World blackout. I paced slowly to his side, I touched his forehead like how I always do, I looked at this expressionless face, I said “Bye爸爸”. Tears started flowing out. My heart, tore into pieces.

He’s gone, really gone. The father raised me, took care of me and guided me is gone for eternity.

I'm feeling so stressed and unstable now because of many many occurrences. I know everyone has their own personal problems but I can't figure why of so many things, mine is the worst-ever issue. I rather to be troubled by not studying and prepared for test; having BGR troubles; upset with daddy & mommy for some childish reasons; quarrel with siblings & many other family matters you can name.

I still can't get used living without daddy.(you can say that time will cure, but I can tell you it DOESN'T)

It's like something is missing in your house and you want to find it but can't because it is gone forever.

It's like going for a family dinner but instead of requesting 'table for 5!', now we are sitting at table for 4.

It's like visiting the bank and instead of saying "I want to open an account", I have to say "I want to closed my dad's account"

It's like hearing moans and cries in toilet whenever one of us bathe.

It's like there is a knife piercing through my heart when I open daddy's wardrobe and saw his clothes.

Now, whenever I have 2 or 3hours break during school, I would rush back home and accompany my mom (she'll feels lonely) & lie to her that 'My friends all went home so I went home too lorh'. 24 hrs a day is too long for us because every minute and second, we will be missing him. And we will continue doing so until the day we die. Somtimes, or even now, I wonder if I end my life earlier, will I get to see him sooner? I feel pointless staying without him because everything has gone so wrong. We are struggling with our lives but who cares? Cus we don't have anyone to rely on, we always rely on daddy.

Daddy has always been the breadwinner of our family and he does everything himself. It was until when he's gone then I realised he has been under so much stress - bank loans, financial loans, expenses, charges. I didn't even know that we're in financial crisis and yet I still spend like nobody's business. I was also kept in dark about him suffering like hell when he knows about his cancer relapse. But what I can say is that my daddy is really a strong and responsible person that I've ever seen. Despite fighting his cancer for five years, he still remains cheerful just to keep us from worrying. During the days when he was in ICU, when he couldn't talk, he wrote to us instead. Because we kept crying, he even comfort us saying he'll be fine.

Why is life being so unfair to us..? What's the meaning of living when we don't feel any happiness in our future?

Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live

Bubble Bubble Bubble POP!

Projects + Presentations + Tests + Exams. Everything is so packed! And I'm kind of upset because I think we didn't do very well for our projects. We can do better, but we choose not too. None of us were really committed, and shirk responsibility if possible. I mean, although I know what to do for projects and criteria etc, that was because I attended lectures, listen in tutorials and analyse the project. Nobody is born smart. It's whether you want to put in effort or not. If you just simply say, "I don't know how to do it", you're telling me "You're don't want to do it"

Since poly year 1, I've been grouped with different team members and what I can say is that this semester is the best group I have so far. But I hope it can still be better if we did our own part, work together and pace with time. Let's be more responsible next semester. I apologise for my attitude if offended in any way.

I still love you girls: Bris, Shir & Pris! ♥

NAPFA Test on Monday was bad because I only got silver. And the system recorded my results wrongly, so I FAILED . Okay, they edited my results alrdy cus I complaint to them! :P

From what I know, my results are ... Sit-up: 35, Standing Broad Jump: 169cm (THEY RECORD 69cm! Hello? My height is 165cm okay!) Incline Pull-up: 18, Shuttle Run: 11.5s, Sit & Reach: 44cm and finally 2.4km run: 16.11mins. Lousy results I know, but considering the fact that I didn't exercise for one year plus!

My diet planning hasn't been going well because I keep gorging down food and I didn't exercise. Mommy keeps buying snacks home and I couldn't resist. Because I'm not vegetarian already, I started craving for meat. Arghhh! And now, I'm going to post more FOOD photos which explains my weight-gain. Unacceptable!

Best tomato soup w garlic bread! <3

Abit turn-off but this is my brother's artwork! (:

Love the dessert from Jack's Place

This is damn good! If only they have 1-for-1 offer every time!

Blueberry tarts @ Volkwagen showroom. Really taste good! Best tarts ever!

Baked salmon by Mommy. She's really good in cooking, should have a cooking journal for her!

& post all her food here.

Baked potato. YUMMY :D

See why I gained weight? This is like the one-third of what I've been eating these few weeks. :/

I'm going to post some emotional posts soon. Need to rant everything off my mind...

You're the only one that has to live your life.

Working at Volkswagen

Thanks to Priscilla, I got to work at Volkswagen showroom for a day. At least I get to earn some pocket money ^^ The experience was great though it was my first time working at such places. I don't really like to work F&B now (contradicting because I worked at Pastamania for around 2 years!) but this job wasn't so tiring like other work. I need not serve drinks to them but only clear those wine glasses, and also serve small portions of food in the VIP room. I didn't get to take photos of the food but they were really nice in terms of appearance and taste. And definitely get to know awesome colleagues there :)

Camwhoring before starting work!

Group photo!

Last weekend Brother booked out from camp and mommy brought us to 'JingLong Seafood Restaurant' nearby my house at Bedok. We ordered chilli crab which is so much better than the butter crab we ate at Malacca. The food is a little salty but overall still great. I remember the last time we celebrated Daddy's birthday was also at this restaurant, really brings back many memories..

Chilli Crab ! (Mantou not here but it's nice too)

Toufu with fried turnip (It's the best toufu I've eaten, seriously)

Coffee Pork Ribs! (Nothing special but better than eating sweet & sour pork, hate that dish!)

True love stories never have endings.

@Mensa

I finally found time to update my blog. I just submitted my two individual assignments today, but I didn't do it wholeheartedly. I know I'll regret but well, what's done cannot be undone. Like I mentioned, the whole week is really hectic. Although my week ain't as screwed up like others - forgot school starts at what time; stayed up 24hrs rushing projects; totally no time for leisure moments. It was still quite stressful kay! Anyway you can visit to my Children's Museum blog that I did for Event Management, spent a lot of effort doing!

However, this week was also a good week for me too. Because 3 tests that we've received, I did unexpectedly well. I was really happy for myself but on the other hand, feeling so upset because how I wish I could convey this good news to daddy. I really miss him :'(

I dreamed of daddy last night: We (mom,sis & me) were on our way to Malaysia via SingLong Express Bus. Right after we passed the customs, we saw some familiar figure passed by. Sis & I turned back and saw my dad & mom. (I know there were 2 moms in my dream ... but dreams are always weird!) My dad looks really healthy and real, when he saw us, he asked: "Why are you girls here??" Without hesitation, I ran towards him and hugged him tightly. The end.

I feel sorrowful .

Sorry for the emotional post.

Germany Cadbury is so much nicer than Singapore Cadbury :)

I ♥ CHOCOLATES!

We all have some power to make wishes come true, as long as we keep believing.

It's not easy to find someone that has the same interests, same problems & same attitude as you.

Rising early and sleep early. "That's what old people do!" Well, it isn't really the case. Everyone can choose their timing to anything they want but what matters to me is maintaining a healthy lifestyle routine. I don't follow healthy eating like 2-3 servings of fruits & vegetables a day etc. But I do make sure that what I eat are not too oily, salty & maybe too sweet. I drink KOI milk tea & black tea macchiato, but my sugar level will never exceed 50%. I sincerely hope that they really standardize their sugar-level measurements!

I have tried eating McDonald's or KFC about three times a week during my secondary school days. I can't help it since there were 2 mac and 1 kfc outlets near my school within (less than 5mins?) walking distance. And the food that I hate most was - fruits. It was regrettable that I didn't realise the consequences I'm paying during that period. Pimples, and pimples and more pimples broke out soon after I graduated from secondary school and slowly it became acne. Fighting acne alone is a chore, what's more is to fight my mental state. You can't help but stare at the girls in your class, envy with their flawless clear skin. You spent more than half of your allowances buying facial products, hoping it can treat your acne but well, most of the products are LIARS. You will never leave house unless you put on concealer and foundation or just wear a cap out so that no one recognise you. You hate hypocrite relatives that try to advice what you should do to cure the acne.

I started researching and viewing (youtube) tutorials on how to improve acnes when I came across this kind-pretty-gorgeous soul that releases many videos on skincare - what to eat, what to do, what to use. Most of the products were not expensive and DIY products such that we're able to do them ourselves! Really like to say a big THANK YOU to her for salvaging my face :) The most important point that I noted was that our face represents our health. If you have a healthy looking skin, it means that you're healthy. So I ate a lot of different kind of fruits, drank plenty of water and keep myself healthy!

Anyway, I read xiaxue's blog and was as usual being 'influenced' by influential opinion leaders on this product. (And I studied marketing!)

I bought Liese Iron Make Collection - Rich Straight

Because the straightener I bought couldn't last long and it does not produce very 'straight hair'. I was kind of disappointed because this straightener cost S$180. To my surprise, this heat spray really works. It made my hair last longer and feel straighter. And finally Briscillia realised I straightened my hair! Yayness. Good product & recommendation. *Thumbs up*

Finally after two weeks, my Tony Moly Gel eyeliner has arrived. Again, I bought Tony Moly because Song Joong Ki is the endorser and good reviews. The colour of the gel liner is Khaki Black because it is really special! Black eyeliner somehow makes my eyes look so fierce and harsh. I would want to avoid that.

Can you see the little golden sparkles?

The seller was really nice to provide a few samples from Missha and Skinfood!

I shall resume doing projects. Oh, and I requested to meet my Event Mgt tutor today at 10am for project consultation and she didn't turn up! We waited outside her office for 1 hour and finally gave up. What is this ... :( Shall stop whining.

Act as if what you do makes a difference.

Pretty Yuri ♥

I finally started my individual project today. (When I'm suppose to start on last Friday!) I've been dragging and slacking the whole weekend, doing useless things. I must buck up and move on, and most importantly stop procrastinating! ):

Brother went into army last friday and I missed him definitely. We went Pulau Tekong with him that day and toured around their military training base. That place seems to be nicer than my expectation, much better than chalets or camps. The food especially, was unexpectedly nice. Bro & me had a bet - within 2 weeks, who slim down more :o But it was not a fair bet as he would slim down because of those vigorous training while I'm at home munching and gobbling food & snacks. I have indeed gained weight rather than losing weight. This isn't right.

And I missed dear Sylvia too. She is the only one that can listen to my rants & troubles. We always have the same interests too. Hurry come back! We're only contacting each other through emails and because we're too busy, we only write once every week.

Let time flies faster please.

Now our house only has three ladies ... feeling insecure, pressurized & pointless.

Let a thousand flowers bloom

As mentioned, during the weekend before my mid-sem, I went to Malacca with family & mother's side relatives. It was not an awesome trip but still a great one, considering the fact that I've not went on holiday for a few years? Malacca has many old houses and shops, with many good food. There're always long queue for famous restaurants or shop stalls (durian chendol, nonya food, chicken rice ball, oyster egg & more) But I think their food standard is not consistent because when they have large orders, they'll lose their quality of food ): The best dish I ate was Butter Crab at Malacca and Asam Stingray at Muar. Certainly, I went shopping there but I literally bought nothing for myself. Except a bag and bracelet. The stuff were so expensive even if it is converted to Sing dollars. (I wonder how the Malaysians survived buying basic things at such inflated price) I hope my next trip would be better!

Today marks the last day of my Mid-Sem Test. I think I did moderately because I don't know whether my answers are right or wrong. I'll try to think positively, if it's possible. :) After the Managerial Accounting test today, I went for a shopping spree with class clique - Briscillia, Priscilla, ShirLyn & Clive. It was a short one but we had achieved our goal! (Pastamania, Koi, Buying things that we need) and of course, I need to save $$.

Finally the two weeks holidays have arrived. It ain't really holiday for us but well, at least I don't need to attend tutorials/lectures and can concentrate on doing projects. Hope our group will be efficient! Some photos during the trip :

We cried on our journey to Malacca, viewing at the Malaysia old trees.

I couldn't believe that the one driving us to customs, grandma's house wasn't daddy but aunt.

Staring at the sky, I saw something that resembles ...

I knew he will be with us forever.

Too little to say; too much to express

I'm so stress up now, I need to eat & eat & eat .

Time passes really fast. (I seems to be saying that every time) For the past few weeks, I'm busy with my schoolwork & settling things down. Together with Bris, we visited two museums in Singapore, Peranakan Museum & National Museum of Singapore, and we felt that the two trips are fruitless. We aren't those that would appreciate the Peranakan culture neither would we felt excited for the programmes planned for the children. Photos will be uploaded after some time. Besides those monotonous individual assignment, I also have to mess around with group projects. Well, I understand doing projects are inevitable in polytechnics but I seriously hate projects!! ): Mid-Sem Tests are also arriving in one week's time. What's more is that I'll be travelling to Malacca during the weekends (for some stress-relieved trip) with family & mummy's side family. I hope I planned my schedule well and manage to finish studying before I set off. (And, what the hell am I doing now?)

I'm recently interested in cosmetics & facial-related field. Have been watching youtube videos/vlogs etc. At least there are something for me to do at home. Unlike my mum who burst into tears every minute whenever she saw my dad's photo. (Crying is contagious for me)

I wonder how long will it take for us to feel better; will there be a day when our family feel happiness? I doubt so. There's a scar in our heart no matter what.

Some recent photos of me:

Beyond description

I've decided to revive my blog because I find that keeping a blog can help to keep memories forever. (Unless blogger decides to close down)

Countless things have happened to me and the most tremendous & drastic happening is losing my beloved father. It has been 47 days since daddy was not around with us. I couldn't stop thinking of him, and reprimanding myself for not being able to cherish & value more time with him. I regretted. I hope daddy will forgive me for throwing temper at him; being so insensible and insensitive about our financial situation; spending and wasting so much money on redundant things. Although every time when I am alone I'll cry, I will tell myself to be strong. Although things turn out the way that we don't want it to be, I'll move on. There're many things in life that we could not control but there's one thing that I'm sure I can - Love my family x100 times than before.

Daddy, I'll be a good girl to mummy and study hard to get into a local university. I know what you wish for is not to grieve over you but to stay strong. I'll do that. I love you.

Now is my project period (again!). But luckily, I've better group mates this time round :) Hope we can achieve a better results than before. To be continued!

Dream = Goal

We should all work towards our dream and fulfil them!

I'm in a difficult situation. Will I success ?

Should I give it a try?


















I ♥ E (:
Super hot!

Hwaiting.

I'm hoping that this semester that fly pass asap. I don't like school noww. ):

Flower Rock coming out on 19th May! :D

I think I'll take a break from blogging. (:

It is all left on our own

We have been struggling for MONTHS. With much optimism, I believe my dad will recover. Nevertheless, my mum told my sis one bad news yesterday. The doctor told my dad that he is going to give up treating him. (In other words, my dad has got no hope) And for god's sake which fucking doctor will say such DEMORALISING phrases to his patient!?! Can he even think how my dad feeels? My mum dares not share this to us as she's afraid we'll breakdown. I think we wouldn't, in fact we must have stronger will and determination. All my dad can do now is to rely on his own and chinese medicine.

Can I pray that all those cancer cells vanish and stop pestering him? PLEASE..

Reality

I realised I'm left with one more week before school starts. I didn't know that my 2months (lessthanthatactually) holiday has passed so breezely! Yesterday, I was actually thinking what to do for the rest of my days. Once school starts, I have to return back to my study mood and have to stop watching all those nice dramas. Facing another new semester, well that's reality. All of us have to go through mundane life process. However in comparison with working life, I would rather stay as a student and enjoy this part of my journey right?

F.T Island so cutee(:

Aren't they?

I Hope

I need to earn more money to prepare for my overseas trip at the end of the year. By whatever means, I want to travel! Either taiwan or korea ((:
I'm into kpop recently, all thanks to cheryl fung.
Attended her good friday session, it was quite an experience for me. I met milky, but didn't dare to touch her because she's having her periodic thing. (I'm not sure if it's periodic though) Cheryl played guitar.. awesome !

Anyone has any nice kr drama to reccommend? I'm getting bored.

Innocence

Tuesday.. how shall I describe it. Went to Mt E in the morning and accompanied my dad the whole day. Although he didn't express it, I can tell that he's suffering; in pain. I shall keep mum since I don't want him to feel sad. The signal in that hosp. is bad, we can't watch the Channel U show at 7pm! Poor facility and service, shall complain someday!

Alice in Wonderland! Seems pretty boring to me when I saw the advertisement a few days back but since I have nothing to do at home, I went to watch it today (: Surprisingly it was better than I've expected. The graphics are splendid and Johnny Dep is as usual, funny and eccentric. Cheryl told me something amusing. Her mum says that he (J.Dep) looks better with heavy makeup on! That is true though. Oops, no offence.

What should I do to people who hurt me..

First of all, I'm glad that I have gone through all these. I manage to score relatively well for my exams. Although, my GPA still drop, I'm satisfied with it. I have received unexpectedly strange results! Those that are I'm suppose to score well did badly and those I'm suppose to do badly scored well! Why the hell are these happening?! Despite concentrating and working so much for my psychology project, I only got a B. Disappointing..

And I finally understand that in polytechnic, you'll have to focus in lectures, complete your tutorials and definitely study hard for exams, ultimately you'll get your desired results. Study hard and play hard is the mission statement for poly isn't it! (:

2012

I dreamt of 2012 last night. Not that I can see the future of 2012, but the movie 2012. All the scenes came up and I became the lead. The feeling was atrocious, I can feel the earth shaking and my heartbeat racing like it can't slow down. Just saw Jiajie's status on this topic too. Syl told me that she has a bad feeling about the world, and that if we ended our lives at 2012, it'll be a waste not to enjoy them.

No, I don't want it to happen.

With the current weather and natural disasters, we cannot deduce that we will be safe. Although I heard from my friend that geographer assures that such happenings (in the movie2012) will not occur in 2012, but they cannot account that it will not happen in 2013, 2020. I'm afraid that it will occur eventually, yet it is useless to be scared or be appalled. We have to know what are the causes of these natural disasters so as to prevent and keep them under control.

The earthquake in Chile that occur on 27Feb with massive magnitude of 8.8 caused much unfortune and destructions to the people. From the ScienceDaily news, the earthquake occurred where the Nazca tectonic plate was subducted under the South American plate, building pressure in the covergence zones. The movements of these plates are due to the crustal motion and deformation. How do we exactly stop the crust moving?

Putting that aside, the quake had triggered tsunami in Pacific Region. There will be more casualties by then. I wonder, the resources on Earth will soon be used up not because of the rapid development but due to these natural disasters. Resources destroyed during the destruction, resources used to aid the casualties, resources to build up the countries. (Haiti, Chile) Moreover, in some part of China, I saw the news that the ground can be use to boil water? Imagine the lava under the crust, must be boiling like nobody's business.

More importantly, the casualties are emotionally unstable after experiencing the disaster. Their homes are ruined; family&friends are separated/left; desperate for physiological needs. Even if they survived, they will not lived like before. Who would bear to see such tragedy?

Whatever it is, I hope and pray hard that the world will not end so soon and that we can live happily ever after! (:

Where has my world gone to?

The latest report was out and I almost cry out of joy. Everything is under control which makes me feel more at ease. Denying the fact that he's still gloomy, I want my life back. Not facing any tense atmosphere; not crying when I recalled all these; not believing anymore non-scientific myths which I can't help looking back.

Recently, I have started reading novels again. The latest I had just finished reading was Remember Me by Sophie Kinsella. Last Monday, I was recommending this novel to Jiajie and she updated me that a movie called Remember Me is coming out and is starring Robert Pattinson! I guess the stories are different because I caught a glance at the trailer and it looks foreign to me. Well, who cares! I'm going to watch this movie since my last movie was ... The spy next door. (:

In any case, I will do my best to work more and spend less. Our exam results will be released this Friday which I sincerely hope that my results will not drop too much although I studied really hard. Let us believe in ...

fate.

Move forward.

I tried my best to cheer him and make him happy, but to no avail.

I want him to look forward and think of future but I didnt know how to put them in words.

When I see those tears rolling down, all I did is realising that my eyes are teary.

I was wondering why life is so unfair. I'm loss.

Once isn't enough, it came twice. fml

Desirable

This is great,

two weeks of nightmares..

endless crying..



and now, we have to be stronger.

and finally, exams are over.