Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either.
I'm back using this blog because I think this is the only platform where I can pen down my actual thoughts and the people around me wouldn't have a chance to see it (unlike Facebook, Twitter & Dayre). I believe the current social media we are all using has really change the way we view things, and how people view us. We only want others to see the good side of us, and we rarely post the downsides. Seemingly, it is the nature of human as our self-esteem only rises when we see ourselves better than the others. Instagram is the perfect example of the social media users posting artsy, inspired and pretty photos. You tend to envy people who posts really nice photos because you thought that they are enjoying their life hell lot.
I do admit, I am jealous and envy of almost everyone. Every single time I served the net, I would wonder why these people can do the things they like and achieve their goals easily -note: I put easily in italics because that was what I see on the surface, people do not post the tough times they been through to achieve their dreams. I always thought to myself, why are they able to go for overseas exchange just because they want to, and the fact that their troubles are not about affordability, but which country they want to go to. Unlike me, being financially constraint, I couldn't afford to go on an overseas exchange because it would definitely burden my family. We have problems paying bills now, let alone an exchange which requires a lump sum of money.
I think it has become a psychological and emotional barrier for me. Although it has been 4 years, the thought that my father has left us still daunts me. My pillar of support, the one whom showered me with love and care, has gone. Life has been too tough for us these four years, and I know it will get worse. I have not been unveiling my feelings to my family because I know I can't control myself and I would burst into tears. I choose to avoid as I do not want to burden them. I'm suffering and I don't know what to do. All these stresses are building up and I can't & have no idea what to do with life. Sometimes I think that it would be better if I end my life earlier. Such thoughts really came across too frequently and I know I shouldn't be so irresponsible. I'll have to hang on and grab on to whatever I can hold.
I may not be a good person. Or a kind heart.
But I wish good karma will fall upon me.
