I was tired, really tired. I stood by his side all along, but things didn’t get much better. I would never ever expect him to leave us so soon, forever. Should I or should I not. B.I.T graduation night was what I’ve been anticipating for weeks, and was one thing I can escape from that cruel reality. If anyone is going to ask me if I regretted going, yes I regretted. There’s no way I can forgive myself for not staying by his side through the last lap of his journey.
Graduation Night ended with a blast, at least everything went smoothly and well, in fact it got me so happy for a moment that I didn’t realised there was a dying patient in need of my utmost care and accompaniment. We went for desserts after the night, should I kill myself?
Took a taxi back to SGH and something strucked me hard in the head. Maybe I was feeling lethargic, but nervousness took over my body and something tells me I need to rush back as soon as possible.
3 April 2011
It was around 1.30 a.m. I reached the hospital. My heavy heart and wear-out body, I feel like I’m breaking down. I opened the door, to see dad on his bed with difficulties breathing. Everyone else were crying. I walked in slowly. “What happened?” was the first thing I asked. No one replied. Though he had been in this condition for quite awhile, everyone felt that today was rather abnormal. It seems as though I’ve used up my tears, I can’t cry anymore. The one thing that keep going in my mind was, “Why is he suffering so much? I wish I was the one suffering instead! Begging everything that creates miracle to help father!”.
Mum: 爸, 丰声来了
Father turned around, looked me in the eyes and seems like he knows I’m here. He nodded, with spasms from his breathing problem.
It’s because we’re so close, we always knew what each other was thinking. I know he had many things to say to me, but he can’t speak properly, not with his lungs that can’t even function well anymore.
For an hour or so, it’s as though we all know he’s leaving soon, which I’m still not taking it down. The whole family grabbed his hand bidding him farewell, telling him we will stay strong and most importantly is that we kept telling him everything’s going to be fine. It was around 2-3 that he was clearly not conscious anymore. He just kept making sounds and fidgeting.
It was after a long struggle that each of us decided to take a rest. My mum was already at her limits, after not sleeping for days, she needs to shut her eyes for a minute. My two sisters and I went out and took a quick nap. We all thought daddy should be fine because he’s been figeting for days while sleeping.
The nap was kinda good, I don’t know why, I knew I slept. I sensed someone touching me, it was my mum. She asked all of us to go back into the ward. I thought it was some emergency, again. This time round, my heart beat so fast, it’s going to jump out at any moment. We went in quietly.
Mum: He has passed away.
My mind went completely blank. He’s still breathing, but so weak it’s like the rhythm’s going stop anytime. We all knew, it’s useless to call the doctor. Then, everyone started crying. I couldn’t cry for a second. I just didn’t want to accept this fact, nothing (feelings or emotions) I can make out within that airspace of time. It’s like the World blackout. I paced slowly to his side, I touched his forehead like how I always do, I looked at this expressionless face, I said “Bye爸爸”. Tears started flowing out. My heart, tore into pieces.
He’s gone, really gone. The father raised me, took care of me and guided me is gone for eternity.
